It was interesting going into Day 1 as I had a pretty strong feeling I was about to go through something that would change my life. I was about to put it all out there, the good, the poor decisions, the things I rarely talked about would be put on the table. They had to, for me, because I was all in. I wasn’t going to go through something like that, the emotional and financial investment, and not get as much out of it as I could. I had to capitalize on this experience for myself, for my family, for others, and I even felt a responsibility to do so for Joel and Chris.
My husband, there-year-old son and I entered the doors and I felt immediate comfort as I met Keith, Savannah and Joel. The firm handshake, the welcoming, and laid back atmosphere gave me immediate comfort. After a few get-to-know-you conversations over breakfast, the work began.
Joel and I began to unfold my life, causing me to talk about things I hadn’t talked about in a long time and rarely shared with others. The thing was though, it was so easy. The non-judgmental, calm and graceful nature of Joel helped me to simply identify the realities of my life and then, dig deeper. We discussed my root system, one that included an absentee father who was a drug addict, a childhood lived in poverty and other adults in my life who left huge emotional scars because of their root system. It was interesting as I came into the LifePlan experience with much of the emotional scars of my childhood dealt with. I had no anger towards anyone in my life and was able to establish boundaries with people that left my life healthier. Little did I know that, despite the fact that I was past much of it, it still hand a strong hold on my current level of discontent. “Dang it,” I thought. “This stuff is still affecting me?”
It was after this first day when I realized part of the reason why I hadn’t been able to work through my discontent. It was because I was looking in my present, not in my past. I wasn’t looking into the why’s of my root system…even after listening to Chris’s podcast on the topic.
I began to have some major aha’s that first day, ones that had began to unravel.
But, I have to admit, I woke up in the middle of the night, after my first day of LifePlan, with a bit of emotion thinking “Man, I have not made enough progress in this process. I HAVE TO discover more. I hoped it would happen.”
Joel and I still needed a bit more time to dive into my past and it was the morning of this second day when Joel mapped out my self-worth through my turning points in my life (both the good and bad turning points). I had always known that my self-esteem wasn’t perfect throughout life. It hadn’t been nurtured and it was left up to myself to build that foundation for myself, with the exception of some powerful mentors. Through much of my life, I had applied an approach my high school softball coach taught me on the field. “In the batter’s box,” he would say “if you’re not confident, fake it until you’re confident, and eventually you will be.” Honestly, the approach worked in a lot of aspects of myself. But, I’m not sure it built up my self worth. Looking at my self worth mapped out, I saw that I had experienced extreme highs and lows in my self worth.
I discovered, I was getting my self worth in the wrong places. And, even before that, I realized I actually was struggling with it more than I ever realized. I’ll outline some of my discoveries related to self-worth, as well as others below, but I want to say first that I never would have discovered what I discovered in LifePlan without going through that experience. As introspective as I am. As much as I’ve read. As much as I’ve listened to. The answers would not have come. It is only through the process and through the conversation that my answers were revealed and my reflections began (and continue today).
Discoveries (to be expanded on in the Post LifePlan Link)
1. I was getting my self-worth through achievements.
2. Intellect over emotion was a survival mechanism for me during much of my life, but had also led a huge emotional void, that I simply claimed as me being independent.
3. There’s a degree of submissiveness with someone I love in my life.
4. I’m okay exactly as I am. I’m even amazing just as I am.
5. I am already my authentic self. I don’t have to continuously strive for that and be disappointed by my high expectations.
6. My son cannot get his self worth from me.
7. How to navigate communication with my husband.
8. Reaffirmed the power of mentors in my life.
9. I can be an effective leader just as I am. I don’t have to be someone else. In fact, nobody can be the leader I can be because of my unique set of circumstances.
10. I know my life’s purpose, what’s in my heart and an outline of a plan of how to go about it. (An outline that is leading to a plan that is so powerful as I reflect on LifePlan now!)
11. Before, I intellectually understood and even said I wanted to be a steward of all I had been blessed with (financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc). But, now…how do I explain it? I feel that concept at the core of who I am.
12. Grace…oh my goodness Grace….it’s in my heart like it never was before.